I have been so torn lately about blogging because it felt like I had to only blog about my anxiety. However, as I’ve worked on it and brought it to light, it’s easier to deal with. This makes me think that I shouldn’t be blogging at all. I’m an over thinker. That is ridiculous. I need to blog my life because why not?! I have words in my brain and they may make someone laugh, or spark a new idea, or encourage a new start. I should be writing. I should be writing for me, if nothing else.
Let me give myself a few prompt questions, or else I’ll probably just ramble.
What have I been doing?
Well Katie Joy, that was super vague. Allow me to ramble.
After graduation, I decided to take off 2 months. I never, in my life as a student, took time off or went to school without working. Due to an amazing, supportive and loving boyfriend, I was able to take my summer to relax and not worry about an income, deadlines, waking up on time or showering. I decided I’d give myself a show to watch for 2 months and when it was over, I’d have to be an adult. Man. I was smelly and lazy, but my god, I watched Grey’s Anatomy like it was my job. I became so emotionally involved with those characters (I call them characters, but let’s be real, they were my family), I would have to take emotional mental health breaks just to get me through it. I was in the pit everyday. I wore my yellow gown and helped bring in train wreck victims. I cried with moms who lost their babies. I drank 9 cups of coffee to keep up with the work load we were under. I third wheeled it with Meredith and Christina just hoping I could be half of their person.
That’s what it felt like. Honestly, I was in my scrubs (ninja turtle pajama pants and oversized souvenir shirt) on my couch for 12 hours a day.
It. Was. Awesome. And it was awful. And I needed it so badly. I needed it my entire life. Because you know what happened when I didn’t have excuses anymore? When I couldn’t say “I work and go to school I just want to be lazy! I can’t meet that deadline because of this deadline! I’m overwhelmed by it all!” I finally had to submit to my own self and become disciplined. I was out of excuses and I was out of 10 years of romantic drama episodes. It was time to adult.
There is something so fulfilling about finally experiencing the thing you’ve dreamt for all your life. It may sound silly to some, but if you’ve ever experienced any kind of depression; seasonal, postpartum, long term, you’d understand. You’d relate when I say you can’t even fathom lifelong goals and desires because you just want to have the desire to wash your face twice a day. You’d want to be able to feed yourself without crying. You’d want to know that there is another side, a silver lining to this hell you’re in.
I know I’ve worked for years, I’ve done therapy, I’ve taken the pills, I’ve had a support group of thousands, I’ve been held up by the love of those I can never repay, I’ve drank, I’ve breathed every exercise and essential oil, I’ve prayed and yearned for freedom, I’ve cried and yelled and punched and kicked, I’ve hurt myself, I’ve stared blankly for days, I’ve processed and thought and overanalyzed, I’ve looked for release in others who could never take away pain, I’ve taken hundreds of dollars worth of vitamins and drank the tea from beans, I binge watched Netflix, I’ve been still and quiet and read, I got up very slowly, I fell and got up again, I reached and pursued and continue to discipline myself.
Hear me when I say this, watching Grey’s Anatomy didn’t heal me. Therapy didn’t heal me. Reading a book didn’t heal me. But years upon years upon years of constantly fighting through the mud and the pain and the tears has brought me to a place of happiness and self-discipline that I could’ve never have even dreamed of 3 years ago. Don’t give up. I am not finished. I am not cured. My depression and anxiety still attack and fight. The great news though is this, while they are at bay and quiet, I’m training and preparing. I don’t live each day with excessive worry and fear, but with preparation and anticipation.
You are not weaker than your struggle. You are not incapable of beating it. Take it one day at a time. Get back up. Cry and kick and scream. Get back up.
You are loved and meant for greatness.
I didn’t exactly answer multiple prompts. Oh well. I’ll be back.